Position ever profile the dating funniest FUCKER
THIS is probably the worst dating profile ever written, which in a way makes it just about the best dating profile ever written. Or maybe it is the worst, after all…
Allow us to explain.
Dating profiles are pretty formulaic things. You know how this works. You basically play up your awesome attributes, play down your not-so-attractive traits, then sit back and wait for the hot dates to come rolling in.
See, but this 35-year-old New York dude had a better idea. He thought he'd tell it straight. He thought he'd be totally upfront about all his slobbish habits - and there are plenty of them - and see what happened next.
Here's some of what he wrote.
"I don't love to share laughs, or to share anything, really. Smiling also brings me no pleasure, unless I'm making someone cry, preferably in public. I am not driven; I strive to do everything minus-110%. I don't have a job and never have, but if I did, I'd hate it - just like I hate dogs and cats and horses and most other animals, including humans. I've never done a spontaneous thing in my life, which has been mostly dictated by my autonomic nervous system. I'm neither easygoing nor outgoing; the '-going' suffix annoys me in general. I avoid trying new things, and my discovery of new places is always purely, irritatingly accidental."
"I am not originally from anywhere. I did not grow up, go to school, or move anywhere before landing where I am, which is exactly where I've always been. I am a mix of exactly zero hyphenated nationalities. In my free time, I do nothing. I do not have a favourite sports team that excites me to the point of ending sentences with exclamation points. I don't go running, except at the end of every date… I abhor the outdoors. And the beach is the absolute worst, what with all that f--king sand."
And you know what? It's at about this point that we decided this bloke just is a douche. His whole schtick is to pretend that he's a douche, to subvert the dominant dating ad paradigm, if you will.
Ha ha. We get it. Nice guy pretends to be awful. The thing is, you reach a point where the stuff he says is just so damned cynical, he kind of suspect he's just trolling. Either that or he's a truly miserable, undateable bastard.
Well, you tell us in the comments below. Is this an amusing inversion of your typically syrupy dating profile, or the sign of a genuinely disturbed soul?
Oh by the way, the ad guy either has children or he doesn't. All he's saying is "maaaaaybe". Oh, and he's had three divorces. Yeah, ya don't say.